You will see that I have made a vast number of changes to this draft. It was far too long, and so I have cut out all the unnecessary and rambling sentences. There were plenty of grammatical errors and examples of poor sentence construction, all of which have been eliminated.

You never actually state which subject you are applying for, and so I have assumed it is Sociology. In a number of places where I have indicated you need to provide much more specific information about the topic areas that interest you most (Sociology and Business Studies) and authors (English). I have also produced a more convincing conclusion.

I hope you like the revised version. Good luck with your application.

Much of this is quite good, though I have made quite substantial alterations in order that it should read more fluently. In a number of places I have indicated material that should be added - in particular, some indication of the nature of your farm duties and identification of the 'skills' you mention.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck with your application.

I have made extensive changes here, as you will see in the revised draft. It also includes a number of questions I have raised, which you will be able to answer, and thus amend what you have written. At the end I have highlighted two additional sections that must be included - on your academic ambitions, and on you as a person.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck with your application.

I have rewritten a great deal of this - draft attached. It now reads much more convincingly.

In a number of places I have indicated in bold further material that you must add.

I hope this is helpful.

I have done the very best I can with this, making radical changes to your sentences, and also removing most of the more negative comments. You will need to add two or three sentences explaining what exactly you did at BT and how your knowledge of technology was improved.

I hope you like the new version. Good luck!

This is much better! You have answered most of the questions I posed last time, and as a result the academic content is greatly improved. I have re-worded most of it to make it read even better, and I hope you like the finished product. Good luck!

This reads very well, and I have made a limited number of changes to the wording in order to make a number of sentences flow rather better. I have inserted the fact that you are a mature student early on. It is best to leave a line between each separate paragraph, as have done. And I have sorted out all your space problems, putting the space after the comma rather than before!

I hope you like the new version. Good luck with your application.

I am afraid that, as it stands, this is badly unbalanced, as it contains far too little about your SPECIFIC academic interests in Psychology and fat too much on extra-curricular activities, some of which (shopping and babysitting, for example) will not be of interest to academic selectors!

I have therefore removed all the unnecessary material and repetition in a significant pruning exercise. There has been a fair amount of rewording in the process, while I have made the concluding paragraph more convincing. This then leaves plenty of room for you to introduce academic material - in the places I have indicated in your draft, and to include a whole new paragraph. You need to identify topics in psychology and biology that particularly interest you, and to find links between the subjects, wherever possible. You need to be much more specific about your reading, and to indicate what new discoveries you have made. And you need to be much clearer about the nature of your project work. Once you have done this, the final product should be much, much better.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your application.

I have made a significant number of changes to your draft, to make it read more convincingly. I have also grouped mini-sections into larger paragraphs, and strongly advise that you adopt this format, with a line between each. I have also moved the critical paragraph about your personal skills and decision-making rationale to the very end, which it is most effectively deployed.

I hope you like the revisions, and good luck with your application.

This is very good indeed, and I have made just a few changes of the odd word. You have certainly packed a great deal in! You are also remarkably well organised too, having all this ready months before the next application season begins at the start of September - as you will know, applications in the current round closed on 15th October.

I hope there will be room on the form to divide this into three or four paragraphs.