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Business Management UCAS Examples

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BACK 10 19 Business Management UCAS Personal Statement Examples
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Business Managment UCAS Personal Statement

Some good material here, but I have done a great deal of rewording, as well as some pruning. It is probably still a little long, but it reads much more convincingly. I hope you like the revised version.
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Business Management UCAS Personal Statement first draft

This reads well in terms of content, though my re-writing of parts of it has improved the language where necessary. You need to highlight 2 or 3 examples of Business Studies TOPICS that have particularly interested you - in Paragraph.

Good luck with your application!

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Final Improved Business Management UCAS PS

I like this a lot, and I can see you have worked hard on it. Your entusiasm comes over very strongly. I have changed some of the wording to make it even more effective. Good luck with your application!
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Business Management UCAS Personal Statement 4th draft

As you have written this statement it is rather bland - pay attention to my comments.
Make sure you link all your individual statements eg your work experience into relevant skills.
You should look at the profile in the university prospectus and write you statement to prove that you fit the profile

Good luck!

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Business Management Personal Statement improved draft 3

Apart from some minor amendments this is fine!

1. baby-sitting [use inverted commas to show that this is not meant literally: "baby-sitting".

2. running a company therefore I would

[running a company. Therefore I would]

3. developing its Technicians [technicians]

4. Analytica, this has enabled me [Analytica. This has enabled me]

Good luck!

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Business Management Personal Statement 2nd draft

This is quite an effective personal statement. It is focused, clearly written and fluent. The content supports your application quite well.

Notes:

1. from a young age [omit this perhaps]

2. Business is generally maths based [this seems to be an over-simplification]

3. life and its facilities, this has helped to improve my self-confidence as well as my communication skills

[life and its facilities. This has helped to improve my self-confidence as well as my communication skills] you seem to be repeating 'communication skills' possibly too often

4. University life [university]

Hope this helps!
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Business Management Personal Statement first draft

Please forgive the delay, your work became lost in the Staff Room.

This is a good draft but needs further work on it to make it into the finished product. You need to check your punctuation and aim for shorter, crisper sentences rather than long, over-involved ones.

Notes:

1. last year has given me the opportunity to discover what an interesting subject it is, I am keen on all aspects of business, but am particularly [should be a full stop not a comma after 'is']

2. I believe I am very capable of organizing people and managing the logistics of running a company [can you demonstrate this through your work experience a little?]

3. and math [mathematics]

4. math based [mathematics based]

5. Having completed an IT Key skills course where I have achieved a level 3 has given me a good knowledge of IT and computers and I am used to using the internet for research and for personal interests. [you're trying to get too much into one sentence here]

6. I was apart [a part]

7. Business is generally math based so [this is an over-generalisation surely?]

8. . I was apart of the researching group in the company, [should be a full stop here rather than a comma]

9. I was apart of the researching group in the company, working in a small team ensured that I was able to listen carefully to others and work co-operatively with a variety of different people where I used various software packages and created databases for inputting data that I had collected from the Internet using various websites for a client. [this is a very long, over-involved sentence. Break into shorter sentences]

10. I worked mainly on the support desk where, I greeted customers, made [no need for a comma after 'where']

11. and traveling to new places. [traveling is the US version - travelling is the English version]

Hope this helps.

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2nd Business Management UCAS Personal Statement Draft

This is a very good personal statement indeed. It is focused, articulate, detailed and sophisticated. I have no doubt that any admissions officer would find it impressive. However:

1. Don't forget to paragraph

2. and employee behavior [behaviour]

3. too long? Will this all fit into the space provided on the application form. Check this.

Otherwise, excellent!

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1st Business Management UCAS Personal Statement Draft

This is a very good first draft. It is well written and your enthusiasm comes through loud and clear but also quite naturally. You have a lot to write about as you have been involved in a variety of projects. You also demonstrate a good range of extra-curricular interests which show you to be a balanced, well-rounded individual.

The only problem is whether you might find this statement is too long to actually fit into the relevant place on the UCAS form. Cut this out and paste it on to a practice form and see if it fits.

If you are looking to cut something out, you could think about reducing the paragraph on your tennis interests as a starting point.

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