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Biology UCAS Examples

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Biology Personal Statement

This is a convincing account. The content and direction are good, and so I have made only a number of textual changes. I have deleted the sentence on break duty that appears in the middle of your discussion of academic issues! In Line 8, do you really mean increasing your food intake, or is it decreasing?

The right length, and some sensible modifications since last time. Good luck with your application.

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Biology Personal Statement

This reads quite well, though I have made a number of textual changes so that it flows more smoothly. You need to give examples of the medical advances to which you refer. I also suggest that you add a line at the end of the first paragraph indicating what attracts you to the Infomatics element of the chosen course, since this is a specialist area. You can probably link it with data collection and analysis.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck with your application.

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Biology Personal Statement

I have seen this before and am glad that you have taken on board most of my earlier suggestions. The position on your application for part-time voluntary work with the police is also much clearer now. I have made a number of further textual changes, mostly of the tweaking variety, to ensure that the structure is tight and the flow is convincing, It is looking very persuasive now - even though you have not devoted any space to a reference to specific topics in A level Biology that you have most enjoyed.

Good luck with your application.
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Biology Personal Statement

As it stands, this is rather too brief. The key omission is on the academic side, where you say very little about your specific interests in Biology. I have indicated on the revised draft where you should insert two new paragraphs devoted to this, and also what sort of things you need to focus upon.

Elsewhere I have made a good number of amendments to your structure and paragraphs, and including the addition of an essential concluding paragraph and deletion of the reference to TV watching.

Your first paragraph refers to a 'medical career'. I am not clear quite what you might have in mind, but it does invite the question why you are applying for Biology rather then Medicine (the deadline for which was 15th October).

Good luck with your application.
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Biology Personal Statement

You come across as determined and highly motivated, with a very clear sense of career direction. The content is good, and it reads well, albeit a little clumsily in places. So I have gone in for quite a lot of rewording, though without altering the sense of what you are saying.

I hope you like the revised version - good luck with your application!
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Biology Personal Statement

This is a good personal statement. You include a range of appropriate details and write clearly and fluently. However, check for minor errors such as those below.


Notes

1. I wish to study biology [give subjects a capital letter – Biology]
2. with evidence, the [semi-colon rather than a comma needed here]
3. gained at University will be of great benefit. [university]
4. the history of human past [ awkward expression]
5. Flying is also an interest, even though [Even though]
6. pilots licence [pilot’s licence]

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Biology Personal Statement

Some ideas of merit here, though it is far too long and repetitive. I have made a great number of changes, and have also added an essential final sentence. It now reads far more fluently and convincingly, and I hope you like the new version.
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Biology UCAS Personal Statement Final Draft

You have taken on board most of my earlier advice, and it reads very well. I have gone in for some relatively minor tidying up of expresion, and hope you like the finished product.
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My Personal Statement, good enough for a Cambridge application?

You have a lot to say but I'm not sure you're doing yourself justice fully, especially for a Cambridge application. I think you need to be more convincing about why you want to study Biology and which aspects of it fascinate you in particular. You also need to be more precise and exact in your expression and punctuation needs to be perfect.

This is a good first draft but work on these things.

Notes:

1. become apart of this profession [become part]

2. days in Primary school [primary school]

3. I like to read up around the [awkward expression]

4. I attended a summer school run by UCL, this aspired me to look into higher education, therefore I attended a prestigious science summer school at Oxford University, I was able to see first hand how interesting learning science at degree level can be. [punctuation needs attention here - commas where full-stops should be]

5. I have found that all the sciences coincide with each other [vague expression]

6. I attended a summer school run by UCL, this aspired me to look into higher education, therefore I attended a prestigious science summer school at Oxford University, I was able to see first hand how interesting learning science at degree level can be.

I have also attended a one day science schools run by Kings College London, and a three week physics practical school run by Queen Mary's University. Although these weren't strictly biology, I have found that all the sciences coincide with each other.

[in these two paragraphs you need to say something more than you just attended them - what did oyu get out of them? Be precise?]

7. I have a passion for wanting to help others. [needs a linking phrase of word at the beginning]

8. marital arts [martial arts]

Hope this helps!

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