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Business UCAS Examples

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  15 Business UCAS Personal Statement Examples
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Business Personal Statement

Your enthusiasm comes across strongly, but your draft is too long. Some of the language is inappropriate too - could be seen as pretentious. I have therefore rewritten (and pruned) it and hope you like the attached revised version.

Good luck with your application.
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Business Personal Statement

There is some good content here, though it is currently rather too long. I have removed all the repetition, rephrased many a sentence and added a critical final sentence. Overall it is now shorter, but without any loss of significant content. I hope you like the revised version, which is attached.

Good luck with your application.
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Personal Statement for Accounting course

I have completely rewritten this, removing all the repetition, awkward phrases and comments that might be seen as a touch arrogant! In two places I have indicated where you need to quote a specific example.

I hope you like the revised version. Good luck with your application.
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personal stateent for applying on business or accounting degree

This has required a fair amount of rewriting, as well as changes in the order - in your original, your proposed subject was revealed only in the final sentence! It is unclear at times whether you are still at school or running the family business, and so this may need to be clarified. You must tell them what the business sells! And what exactly is a 'majesty visit'? Selectors (like me) may not know! But otherwise it now reads very well, and I hope you like it.
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Business UCAS Personal Statement

The content is often quite good, though I have rephrased and amended a great deal of it to make it sound more convincing. I have also removed the repetition so it should now just about fit the available space. If it doesn't, the reference to your experiences at the age of 12 and 15 will have to be omitted! I hope you like the new draft, and good luck with your application.
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Business UCAS Personal Statement

I'm glad to see you have taken account of much of my erlier advice - the crucial first paragraph is very good indeed, and I'm pleased to see the fleshing out of the 'marketing strategy' sentence. It is, however, still too long, so I have again pruned the sentences and phrases that add little. It should now just about fit.
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Business Personal Statement

This reads very well, and your enthusiasm, achievement and determination come across strongly. I have made a number of textual changes, particularly in the crucial opening section, but have not changed the content in any way. I hope you like the revised version, which is attached. Good luck with your application.
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Business UCAS Personal Statement

I have done a considerable amount of rewriting here. This has removed all the chatty sections and repetition. There are places in which you will need to insert more specific detail, and I have indicated them.

I hope you like the revised version. Good luck with your application.
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Business UCAS Personal Statement

I have completely re-written this, and it now reads far more persuasively. I have changed the order round, added a conclusion, deleted all the repetitive statements and improved the language very considerably. I hope you like the new version; good luck with your application!
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Business UCAS Personal Statment first draft

I have done my best with this - removing all the repetition and going in for a lot of rephrasing - but there is still some way to go. I assume it is for a Marketing degree course (there is one brief reference made); if so, you need to explain what exactly attracts you to it. And you make repeated references to 'skills' developed, but it would be far more convincing when you did this if you were to give very specific examples of project work and other assignments through which such skills have been developed. Download your updated Personal Statement here.

I hope this is helpful.
  15 Business UCAS Personal Statement Examples
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