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Business Management UCAS Examples

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  19 Business Management UCAS Personal Statement Examples
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Business Management UCAS Personal Statement

You will see that I have made quite radical changes to your draft (overall, you have a good style, and it is easy to follow), including changes in the order. I have pruned a great deal of the non-academic material, without any loss of content. This is because you say almost nothing about your SPECIFIC ACADEMIC INTERESTS in Business Studies, and this is essential. You will see where I have left a space for you to introduce a whole new paragraph on this. Then your commitment will really come across.

I hope you like the revised version. Good luck with your application.

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Michael's Personal Statement

This has been through several drafts, and I am pleased to see that my various revisions remain largely intact. I have removed the last of the rather clumsy phrases that appear here and there. It reads very impressively, and requires no further alterations. I hope it will all fit in the available space - if not, you will have to remove some of the penultimate paragraph.

Very good luck with your application.
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Business Management Personal Statement

I have seen an earlier draft, and am pleased to see that you have adopted most of my suggestions for improvement. I have made a number of further minor changes to the wording and phrasing. It reads very impressively.

Good luck with your application.
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Business Management Personal Statement

The content here is very decent and should impress the selectors. Your interest comes across strongly, and you have had some useful experience. It is, however, rather long and won't, I fear, fit into the available space. I have done some pruning, without changing the sense of what you are saying. I have also improved quite a lot of the languague used. If more needs to come out, do not remove any of the subject-based content!

I hope you like the revised version, which is attached. Good luck with your application!
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Business Management Personal Statement

I am pleased to see you have adopted many of my earlier suggestions - it now reads much better. I have now changed some of the order, and have gone in for further rewording. I have indicated that you need to say something about favourite topics in Business Studies, which I assume you studied at A level or equivalent. I still have a problem with McDonalds - as I cannot see how you can both be promoted to store manager and embark on a degree course. This needs clarifying - indeed, it is still not clear whether you have left college, or whether your work at McD is part-time. I hope you like my amended version.
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Business Management Personal Statement

There is a lot of work to do here. I have converted what you have said so far into more appealing English, and have indicated where it is necessary to add further information. As it stands it is too short, and you say very little about your particular interests in areas of Business Studies. It is not clear from what you say whether you are still at work, or are working at McDonald's - similarly, it is difficult to understand the idea that you need a business degree to manage the store you currently work at. All this needs clarification - in the places I have indicated in the revised draft.
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Business Management Personal Statement Final Draft

You have clearly taken on board most of my earlier suggestions, and it now reads very well indeed. I have made a number of further textual alterations, and it is ready for the off!
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Business Management UCAS Personal Statement 1st Draft

This is about the right length, but I have made extensive alterations, adding an essential final paragraph, combining paragraphs and changing the order. In particular, the key first paragraph is now much snappier; I have removed the endless references to 'Business Management' and altered the focus so that it is no longer quite so career oriented. I hope you like the amended version, which is attached.
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a letter to leeds business school stateing my dedication to leeds.

Good try. Don't, hoever, keep telling them how prestigious they are - they know that already! Also important to tone down the job prospects bits. I've comprehensively revised it, and I hope you like it. File attached; good luck.
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Personal Statement - applying at leeds for business management

This is so much better now - it reads persuasively and has a logical order. I've made a few amendments and have made your sentence about profits humorous. There is one explanatory line to add in the 2nd paragraph - on your marketing strategy. The new version is attached. Good luck!
  19 Business Management UCAS Personal Statement Examples
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