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Business Management with French UCAS Examples

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Business Management with French Personal Statement 2nd Draft

A good first draft but still some work to be done in polishing up your expression in terms of fluency and sentence construction.

Notes:

1. Business intrigues me; as I love the many aspects of Business; in particular marketing, which can give a wide variety of career options. [this is to heavily punctuated - rewrite totally so that it reads more flowingly]

2. My enthusiasm for Business and having studied at GNVQ level and now at AVCE level, have given me the urge to want to learn more about the heart of Business which I believe is Marketing, so by studying at degree standard it would extend my depth of knowledge in the Business field. [this sentence is overly complex. Break up into two smaller sentences perhaps.]

3. This [was] one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever been a part of

4. all other companies' part [past] and present in our school

5. and how my decisions can effect [affect] everybody

6. Our company has taught me to consider other people and how my decisions can effect everybody, being the head of a department, the true meaning of teamwork, dealing with difficult and awkward people and overcoming my insecurity of talking in front of people, when I had to talk in front of 200 people. [again, overly complex]

7. also taking part in the University Access Programme scheme [seems tagged on to the end of the sentence]

8. found this interesting [and] as has definitely made me look at
maths[Maths] in a different way

9. I have various interests, my biggest interest being travelling. I've been to many countries; as I've always been fascinated by different cultures and seeing how people interact in completely different ways, intrigues me.
Poetry is my therapy; I've been writing since I was 12; and have had my poetry published in the UK and USA, which has led me to an invitation to attend a conference in Washington DC to read my poetry.
My hobbies include badminton, which I've been playing since I was 12. I am also very interested in film; I was introduced to it at an early age, as my uncle is a film editor, so I've helped in various projects, such as volunteering at the black film festival. My other hobbies are listening to jazz music, reading.

[merge as one paragraph perhaps]

Hope this helps!

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Business Management with French Personal Statement First Draft

This is a good first draft but still needs some work on it. The content is generally good but take care with punctuation especially. Sometimes your punctuation is overly complex and not wholly accurate. Your paragraphs tend to get a little fragmentary towards the end. It might be a good idea to merge them.

Notes:

1. Business intrigues me; as I love the many aspects of Business; i.e. Marketing, Human Resources and Finance and many more; which are all, used in daily life and can give a wide variety of career options [this doesn't flow - too many short phrases - rewrite?]

2. My enthusiasm for Business and having studied at GNVQ level and now at AVCE level, have given me the urge [awkward expression - My enthusiasm for Business, having studied at GNVQ level and now at AVCE level, has given me the urge ...]

3. I have the commitment, dedication and skills needed such as the ability to listen, analyse, develop and also using your own initiative. [how have you been able to demonstrate these qualities - e.g .though something you did in work experience?]

4. I was the deputy-managing director and sales director in a company named InCoGniTo, we specialised in making handmade jewellery to sell to the public [should be a full stop after InCoGniTo]

5. extra curriculum activity [extra-curricular activity]

6. Millennium Volunteers is another project, which I'm involved in; this is [Millennium Volunteers is another project which I'm involved in. This is]

7. which I have applied to [for]

8. Access Programme scheme, this is where sixth [Access Programme scheme. This is where sixth ..]

9. I have various interests, the biggest interest being travelling, I've been to many countries; as I've always been fascinated by different cultures and seeing how people interact in completely different ways, intrigues me.[punctuation needs attention here]

10. which has lead me to an invitation to [led me]

11. My hobbies are Badminton [ My hobbies include badminton]

Hope this helps!

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