You have produced some good material here, though overall it is too long and would not fit into the available space. I have therefore done a number of things to improve the layout and reduce the length - changes in the order, combining of short paragraphs, removal of all repetition, reqording of clumsy phrases and sentences, a more decisive opening and conclusion. I hope you like the revised version, which is attached.
Good luck with your application.
There is a good, solid content here, and I have removed none of the key points. I have instead made a fair number of changes in the wording and the sentence structure, to make it all sound more authoritative. I have also made room for the addition of a short, but vital concuding sentence.
I hope you like the revised version. Good luck with your application.
I have comprehensively revised this, eliminating all the repetition, and improving the use of language such that it now reads very convincingly. I hope you like the new version.
This is generally good in several places, though it has needed a fair amount of rewording, for two key reasons. In places you come over as a little smug, and so I have removed the 'rougher edges', where the ideas were really simply repeated. The other reason is to give youspace to correct the imbalance, since there is currently too much stress on extra-curricular activities and not enough on the History/IR. I have indicated where you need to refer to more favourite topics.
It will be very good when this has been done, and I hope you like the revised version.
I am pleased that you have adopted most of my suggestions, and it now reads very persuasively. Good to see the reference now to spreadsheets - since that paragraph is only three lines long, could you go a little further and quote one or two examples of spreadsheets you have used or produced?
Otherwise I have simply made a few further wording changes.
Some good material here, though I have had to reduce the length. One reason for this is that you must insert two or three sentences at the end of the second paragraph outlining your particular interests and expertise in computing - applications, programming, or whatever they are. I have also reworded several of your sentences to make them flow rather better. And I have deleted 'I am a good choice for this course- - your refree can say this, but you can't, as it makes you sond arrogant!
I hope you like the revised version.
I am pleased to see that you have adopted most of my earlier suggestions. It now reads very well, and especially after the further rewording I have done. I think you should add something specific early on about the databases you have created.
Good luck with your application!
I have extensively rewritten this, and have pit it all in a more appropriate order too. The last paragraph would not impress selectors, and has been deleted almost in its entirety. You need to introduce a new, fairly short second paragraph where you should be much more specific about your computing experience - applications, programming, databases, use in the classroom, etc.
I hope you like the new version.
I hope this works. I suspect your exam results were pretty poor? You have done your best to explain them away, and I've improved on what you have said. Indeed, I have made substantial alterations all over the place, and have added a vital final paragraph. There has been much pruning too of all the repetitive and unhelpful comments!
You need to add some specific details of your particular computing skills and applications - you could easily draw on our USA work experience for these.
The best of luck with your application.
There is merit in places in your draft, but I have made radical revisions in the text, in particular removing all the unnecessary phrases and sentences. This now gives you space to add much more on your specific interests and abilities in Computing, since at present the PS is very light on this, and thus unbalanced. I have indicated where this needs to be done in the first paragraph.