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Music Personal Statement

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UCAS Experts Feedback:
This is quite good. You start a little stiffly however, so you might want to change your first sentence a little. There are also a number of other points where you could provide a little more polish - see below. Finally your ending isn't very strong in the sense it doesn't really round things off.

1. therefore the study for a music degree would [therefore, studying for a music degree..]

2. Whilst I wish to study the application and history of music[,]I have

3. An example of the practical use of my I.T skills can be viewed at www.corrineworld.com. [i doubt whether an admissions office would have time to view this]

4. . This included a tour of Germany in a choir, which I took part in, in my own time [rewrite to avoid the repetition of 'in'

5. which I have played the lead roles [in which I have played....]

6. AS-level drama [Drama]

This is a good first draft but needs some tinkering with.

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