This is quite good. You start a little stiffly however, so you might want to change
your first sentence a little. There are also a number of other points where you
could provide a little more polish - see below. Finally your ending isn't very
strong in the sense it doesn't really round things off.
1. therefore the study for a music degree would [therefore, studying for a
2. Whilst I wish to study the application and history of music[,]I have
3. An example of the practical use of my I.T skills can be viewed at www.corrineworld.com.
[i doubt whether an admissions office would have time to view this]
4. . This included a tour of Germany in a choir, which I took part in, in my
own time [rewrite to avoid the repetition of 'in'
5. which I have played the lead roles [in which I have played....]
6. AS-level drama [Drama]
This is a good first draft but needs some tinkering with.