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UCAS Experts Feedback:
I am pleased to see you have adopted many of my earlier suggestions - it now reads much better. I have now changed some of the order, and have gone in for further rewording. I have indicated that you need to say something about favourite topics in Business Studies, which I assume you studied at A level or equivalent.
I still have a problem with McDonalds - as I cannot see how you can both be promoted to store manager and embark on a degree course. This needs clarifying - indeed, it is still not clear whether you have left college, or whether your work at McD is part-time.
I hope you like my amended version.