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My Personal Statement, good enough for a Cambridge application?

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UCAS Experts Feedback:
You have a lot to say but I'm not sure you're doing yourself justice fully, especially for a Cambridge application. I think you need to be more convincing about why you want to study Biology and which aspects of it fascinate you in particular. You also need to be more precise and exact in your expression and punctuation needs to be perfect.

This is a good first draft but work on these things.

Notes:

1. become apart of this profession [become part]

2. days in Primary school [primary school]

3. I like to read up around the [awkward expression]

4. I attended a summer school run by UCL, this aspired me to look into higher education, therefore I attended a prestigious science summer school at Oxford University, I was able to see first hand how interesting learning science at degree level can be. [punctuation needs attention here - commas where full-stops should be]

5. I have found that all the sciences coincide with each other [vague expression]

6. I attended a summer school run by UCL, this aspired me to look into higher education, therefore I attended a prestigious science summer school at Oxford University, I was able to see first hand how interesting learning science at degree level can be.

I have also attended a one day science schools run by Kings College London, and a three week physics practical school run by Queen Mary's University. Although these weren't strictly biology, I have found that all the sciences coincide with each other.

[in these two paragraphs you need to say something more than you just attended them - what did oyu get out of them? Be precise?]

7. I have a passion for wanting to help others. [needs a linking phrase of word at the beginning]

8. marital arts [martial arts]

Hope this helps!

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