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UCAS Experts Feedback:
What a nice idea! The layout of your letter is generally good, though I have made several textual amendments.
I would make the following points:
1. I think you should give potential donors more specific detail about the Tear Fund - in wehich countries does it operate at present, for example? How much on average does it cost to educate each child? How long has the Fund been going?
2. Tell them what subjects you are sitting at GCSE!
3. You will need a 'tariff' sheet - i.e. recommended sum per grade in each subject, so that people can do the calculation you talk about!
4. You don't need references - what would be much better is an accompanying letter from your Head teacher (or other teacher) praising your initiative and urging people to donate!
If you do all this and let me have another look at it, I'll then try to come up with people to whom you could send it.