This is quite impressive but still needs working on. Also, make sure that your
statement isn't too long for the box on the form.
Your first paragraph is not direct or concrete enough and could be omitted.
I think your personal statement really starts with your second paragraph.
1. I want to build a business empire
[nothing wrong with this as an idea but may come across as unrealistic and
fanciful - tone it down and make it sound that your aspirations are rooted in
2. mine manifested [itself] immediately
3. is in business [is for a business career]
4. any related club or society in my school [omit 'my school' - not needed]
5. Other this [Other than this]
6. I am also interested in Mathematics in school [no need for 'in school']
7. My interest in it takes form when I obtained my first complete score in
an examination for Mathematics in my primary school, and it grows since then.
[ the grammar here is faulty - rewrite]
8. All along, I seldom face difficulties in grasping the concepts involved
in Mathematics [not really necessary - your estimated grades will convey this]
9. After serious consideration of all the courses available to me, I choose
to study Actuarial Science, which is a fusion of business and mathematics. A
career as actuary will be a suitable stepping-stone to live my dream. [ this
needs to come near the beginning rather than here]
10. not only academic studies, skills [not only academic studies but also skills]
11. and the skills of listening to and the expression of ideas [awkward here
Hope this helps!