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Optometry Personal Statement Second Draft

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UCAS Experts Feedback:

This is getting there but still some work to do. Suggestions below.

Notes:

1. Studying biology and chemistry [give an initial capital letter to subject that you study] – Biology, Chemistry]

2. has reinforced and solidified ]one of these only – ‘reinforced’ is the better of the two]

3. and resulting in figuring [sounds awkward]

4. Why not scrap your first paragraph and use paragraph two as your opening – straight to the point]

5. with the scientifical terms used [scientific]

6. where I have been given a position of responsibility [not sure you need this]

7. groups and being a paired reader for the younger pupils of the school helping to building up close relation with people of different age groups. [could do with being a separate sentence altogether]

8. hours via organizing ]via is not the best word here]

9. My main accolade complements my great passion for Folk Dance [vague and wordy]

10. arts, has fostered [no need for a comma here]

11. I have always had an immense curiosity in science as in this world, which is full of problems; science has most of the answers. [lacks clarity and fluency]

12. always intrigued me, furthermore the “eyes” being one [.Furthermore]

More UCAS Personal Statement drafts from this user: First draft of my Optometry Personal Statement.
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