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This is excellent. The range of activities you have been involved in and the way
you express yourself would impress any admissions officer.
My only real question mark is about its length. It looks like it might be too
long for the space on the form - you need to check this against a specimen form.
If that's the case, you will have to think about what you can take out.
Note- 'do' seems a little weak in the following expression:
1. Outside school, I do a number of other activities. [Outside school, I engage
in a number of other activities?]