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Second draft of Personal Statement, changes made from advice given

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UCAS Experts Feedback:
This is good but still needs some fine tuning. Continue to check your punctuation thoroughly and there's still a tendency to make your sentences overly complex.


1. employment activity [a bit wordy - can you think of one word instead?]

2. In recognition...[In recognition of what? Not clear/incomplete thought]

3. communications or communication? [note, later you refer to Communication Studies]

4. My confidence has soared due to this course [comma needed after 'course']

5. and have frequently fascinated me [this seems tagged on - doesn't quite fit grammatically]

6. my skill of [in?]public speaking and communication and diplomacy [do you need all three of these? Repetition of 'and' also]

7. More recently I have taken up singing lessons, in which I received a distinction in the Grade 8 singing examination and appeared in numerous concerts, singing a variety of music, helping me to appreciate the motivation needed to succeed and the team-wok involved. [long, overly complex sentence]

8. Further more [one word]

9. administrational tasks [administrative]

10. Public relations [public relations]

11. Further more, I gained experience for two weeks within the Public Relations department mainly carrying out administrational tasks although I got to experience first hand the way in which press releases aimed at various media were put together, thus gaining an in-depth knowledge of just one area of the communication market. [long, overly complex sentence]

Hope this helps!

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