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Business Management with French Personal Statement First Draft

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UCAS Experts Feedback:
This is a good first draft but still needs some work on it. The content is generally good but take care with punctuation especially. Sometimes your punctuation is overly complex and not wholly accurate. Your paragraphs tend to get a little fragmentary towards the end. It might be a good idea to merge them.

Notes:

1. Business intrigues me; as I love the many aspects of Business; i.e. Marketing, Human Resources and Finance and many more; which are all, used in daily life and can give a wide variety of career options [this doesn't flow - too many short phrases - rewrite?]

2. My enthusiasm for Business and having studied at GNVQ level and now at AVCE level, have given me the urge [awkward expression - My enthusiasm for Business, having studied at GNVQ level and now at AVCE level, has given me the urge ...]

3. I have the commitment, dedication and skills needed such as the ability to listen, analyse, develop and also using your own initiative. [how have you been able to demonstrate these qualities - e.g .though something you did in work experience?]

4. I was the deputy-managing director and sales director in a company named InCoGniTo, we specialised in making handmade jewellery to sell to the public [should be a full stop after InCoGniTo]

5. extra curriculum activity [extra-curricular activity]

6. Millennium Volunteers is another project, which I'm involved in; this is [Millennium Volunteers is another project which I'm involved in. This is]

7. which I have applied to [for]

8. Access Programme scheme, this is where sixth [Access Programme scheme. This is where sixth ..]

9. I have various interests, the biggest interest being travelling, I've been to many countries; as I've always been fascinated by different cultures and seeing how people interact in completely different ways, intrigues me.[punctuation needs attention here]

10. which has lead me to an invitation to [led me]

11. My hobbies are Badminton [ My hobbies include badminton]

Hope this helps!

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