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UCAS Experts Feedback:
There is some good material here, and I particularly like the opening line. Your enthusiasm and commitment certainly come across.
It is, however, rather long for the available space, particularly as it is wise to leave a line between each paragraph. I have therefore shortened it somewhat, by eliminating the occasional repetition and by removing comments that do not interest selectors, like the one about enjoying socialising! I have changed some of the wording and punctuation too.
I hope you like the revised version. Good luck witth your application!