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Computer Systems Engineering Personal Statement

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UCAS Experts Feedback:
A good first draft but it still needs some attention. First you need to take a good look at your punctuation which at times is inaccurate. Also you need to rewrite some of your sentences that are either incomplete or awkward in expression. Note other minor points too!

1. Having a keen interest in computing and being fascinated by today's modern technology, and how it has developed over the years. [this is a little too elaborate and in any case is not a complete sentence]

2. Having a keen interest in computing and being fascinated by today's modern technology, and how it has developed over the years. I have chosen a degree in computer systems engineering, as I have enjoyed my AS course and would like to pursue a career in the computing industry. I have had a 'taste ' of what the subject is like at academic level, by studying AS level computer studies, this has confirmed my decision to take on a course which contains aspects of programming. [your punctuation is not correct here - check commas/full stops]

3. hardware is used to meet the demands [demands of what? incomplete statement]

4. independently helped me to use my iniative [initiative]

5. of the pupils of [the] school

6. the mentee [best word?]

7. I enjoy travelling to many places, these include Spain, China, The Philippines and Holland, and enjoyed meeting and seeing people from many different cultures. [this needs rewriting - a bit awkward and punctuation isn't right]

8. gadgets before the West e.g. the latest mp3 player. [lacks fluency - word missing?]

9. would like to pursue a career in the computing industry [could you be a little more precise about what aspect of the computer industry?]

Potentially good but another draft need to put things right.

More UCAS Personal Statement drafts from this user: Computer Systems Engineering Personal Statement draft 2.
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