A controlled, convincing personal statement. A little fine-tuning still
1. conquer the business world [I think the word 'conquer' is a little too
2. increased my confidence to public speaking and management of others.
[increased my confidence in public speaking and [the] management of others]
3. beneficial to me.
I have gained beneficial skills [repetition of 'beneficial']
4. interests are fashion [I am interested in fashion] which are[is] related
to my shopping lifestyle
5. increased my knowledge for ICT [of ICT]
6. Studying Business Studies Marketing has helped me to decide, that I would
like a career in this field [no need for a comma after 'decide']
Hope this helps!